5 months!

we've been waiting 5 months! i'm in the process of composing a post about ways to affirm adoptive parents. i wrote one, but jamie informed me that it wasn't very clear and not exactly to the point. so i'm re-working it. we're heading out of town tomorrow to hang out at the beach all weekend with our sweet friends, the littletons and leimones (missing yall, ladds!) pictures (and a new post) to follow.

waiting

waiting on an adoption is weird.

some days i forget that we've been waiting 4.5 months. it feels like it's only been a few days since we got on the waitlist. other days i feel like we've been waiting years, and it seems impossible that we probably have another 4.5 months of waiting in front of us.

i think of our children often. i wonder what they look like. how old they are. if they are still with their birth mother or already in an orphanage. if they have enough to eat. if they have enough love and cuddles and kisses. it is very strange to dwell on someone that you know nothing about, and yet that is really the beauty about all of this: i love my children, and i know nothing about them. my heart just feels bound to them in a way i can't really explain. i know, it's weird.

when i get to work in the mornings, i always take my phone out of my purse just in case. i tell myself that today is certainly not the day we'll get our referral because there are still several families in front of us. but just in case...

sometimes i daydream about what it will be like when we finally get that coveted call from our case manager. i wonder how i'll tell jamie that we need to go home and get on the computer to see our babies. i think about how i'll call my friend, erin, and tell her the babies are here and we need her to take pictures of us seeing them for the first time. and i think about how i'll probably have my friend, leigh, on speakerphone freaking out with us.

i think about what it will be like to send an email to our friends and family introducing them to our babies. sharing their names (if we ever think of a second boy name). being able to say these are our children.

it often seems very unreal that at the end of however much waiting we will endure, there will actually be two little ones who will call us mommy and daddy. i think this is the one thing i envy about pregnant women. i'm sure it's still unreal to think that a baby will leave your womb and suddenly be yours to care for. but at least for those 9 months, your baby is inside of you, and you are affirmed everyday that this is real. and people around you affirm you too by commenting on how cute your baby bump is or asking about your due date or guessing whether the baby will have your eyes.

i guess what i realize is that many people still don't know how to talk about adoption as if it were equal to being pregnant. no, i don't want people to say they are the same because they aren't. but they are both equally valuable ways of becoming a parent. people can ask a pregnant woman a million questions about what it feels like to have a baby inside or what she thinks of public breastfeeding or if she'll deliver her baby naturally. but seriously, the minute an adoptive mom starts talking about attachment or racism or how there are 147 million orphans in the world...people really have no clue how to handle that.

if you're an adoptive parent, there are many people like me who understand the funk of the wait. i know that so much of the affirmation you have of your children is the feeling you have deep in your soul. and i know that people really don't get that or don't know how to engage that because we live in a society where pregnancy is normal, and adoption is...well, not as normal. i don't say any of this to disparage pregnancy because hey, i plan to at least try to be pregnant one day. i just pray that some day people can truly walk alongside one another in journeying to their children, appreciating the beauty and joy and validity of both pregnancy and adoption. and if you're not an adoptive parent, find an adoptive family to affirm today!

4 months

these are our nieces and nephews -- tyler, delaney, peighton, parker, and trevor.

they're cutie pies, right?

as much as i love these munchkins, i can't wait to have 2 of my own to add to the bunch.

and we've been waiting now 4 months.

someone told me recently they heard we're adopting because we're concerned about passing on jamie's disability. i was a little jolted because we've been trying hard to explain that adoption is a choice we have made because we want to adopt. it has nothing to do with any other external factor, including jamie's disability. i don't think people realize how offensive it is to jamie and to our children to suggest that we're only adopting because we're scared our biological kids might have RP (retinitis pigmentosa).

it's offensive to jamie because it suggests it'd be understandable (perhaps even beneficial) if people like him -- people who can't see -- didn't produce anymore people who can't see. it suggests that being a person with a disability is a curse or an affliction or an unnecessary suffering that one wouldn't want to pass on to someone else. and it also suggests that the significance of a person is found solely in their ability to see, or walk, or hear, or think.

but it's offensive to our adopted children because it suggests they are some kind of second choice or last resort -- an option we had to choose because we didn't want to take the risk of having a biological child. seriously, you will never know how much our society emphasizes biology and genetics until you (1) choose to adopt before even trying to have biological children and (2) choose to adopt when one parent has a disability. many people won't get why you don't want to pass on your genes if you adopt first; many others will simply assume you don't want to pass on your "bad" genes if you choose to adopt when one parent has a disability. it's really pretty ridiculous because nobody actually thinks that people simply want to adopt.

and quite honestly, i want to adopt a blind kid one day. so there.

and also, for those who are wondering how the whole "blind dad" thing is going to work, i'd like to write a blog post sometime about how having one parent with a disability isn't really that different. there are some unique aspects, but life looks pretty much the same, which is really what people should understand about living with a disability. but for now, i leave you with proof that jamie is going to be the most awesome dad in the world.

isn't it ironic...

that our friends the ladds, who are adopting 2 kids from ethiopia, started their adoption journey hoping for girls. now they are completely OK with getting 2 boys. we started our adoption journey hoping for 2 boys. now we (or i should say i) really want a boy and a girl? seriously, what is wrong with me??

'round here

a few sentences on what's been going on around the dean house lately.

we've been on the waitlist 3 months. the waiting isn't driving us crazy yet. we are currently trying to get our case manager to tell us how many families ahead of us on the waitlist are open to 2 boys, 0-42 months.

jamie skillfully built a garden box out of cedar wood completely from scratch. he even wielded a power saw by himself (um, this is a big deal when your husband can't see). then he dug a trench in the backyard to put the box in when he realized the ground wasn't level. we are attempting to grow cucumbers, green peppers, and zucchini (we're also growing tomatoes, but they are hanging upside down in buckets off our playset).

we've been learning to play the djembe. our next door neighbor is a senior in high school and has been playing djembe since he was 9. the djembe is a drum from west africa that looks like this:



i guess a lot of people think of drums as simply accompanying other instruments. but the djembe has 3 unique sounds that make it more versatile, so you don't just play djembe for the beat. what's cool is that our neighbor knows all the history behind the rhythms he is teaching us. we've been working on a rhythm that is played when the women of the villages come back from fishing. i'm not really good at playing yet, but we've only had 3 lessons, and i'm trying to learn that it's OK to make mistakes.

i have felt really purposed lately in the volunteer work i'm doing as a guardian ad litem. the case i've been working on goes to court on friday, and i'm hoping good decisions are made that benefit this little girl's best interest. seriously, children need advocates. i can't say that enough.

and lastly, we are thankful for all the friends and family in our lives. we are thankful for our church community and how there are now 4 families just in our 5pm service that are somewhere in the process to adopt from ethiopia (one family already has their son home). we are thankful for our neighbors and how they are generous with their time and friendship. we are thankful for the littleton family and how much we learn from them. we are thankful for the ladd family and how they're walking with us step by step to our kids as they walk to theirs. we are thankful for old friends scattered in many places and how they still care about our lives. and we are thankful for our families and how well they love us all the time. life is good.

living radically

the title of this post makes it sound as if i actually know a thing or two about living radically. i must admit that i don't. the only thing i really know about it, the only thing i've managed to figure out thus far is that i'm supposed to be doing it -- to be living radically.

let me spill what's been a secret in our house for the past week or so. we have been praying about whether God was leading us to adopt two brothers from the waiting child list. two brothers. ages 6 and 8. i don't really want to get into details, but we finally got some confirmation today that the door was closed on us adopting them.

in many ways, it was a relief to have the door close in our faces. i told jamie and a few friends that if i could live in a bubble where the outside world couldn't judge us or laugh at us or misunderstand us, i would happily mother those sweet boys. i didn't really care that they were 6 and 8. but honestly, if the door hadn't closed, i fear i would've run from those boys anyway. because the reality is, i don't live in a bubble and i care too much about what people think of me.

you see, i think as christians, we miss out on our calling to live radically because we're too concerned with pleasing the rest of the world. we don't want to disappoint our parents. we don't want to lose our friends. we don't want to miss out on wealth, success, or comfort. we don't want to look too different.

as we have walked on this adoption journey, i have realized that a lot of christians like to talk about having great faith -- faith that can move a mountain, do the impossible. but when somebody actually believes they can move a mountain -- when somebody actually attempts the impossible or the impractical or the irrational -- those same christians are the ones doubting. they're the ones asking, "are you sure God told you to do this?" and "have you considered all the ways this will affect your life?" i'm confounded by the number of christians who haven't realized that we serve a radical God who demands radical things from his followers. things that don't make sense. things that seem impossible. things that defy all practicality and logic and cultural norm.

we serve a God who, out of no need of his own, created a world just so he could love it.
we serve a God who placed himself in the midst of our chaotic, sinful world so he could swallow up sin, death, sickness, and sorrow into himself and rescue us.
we serve a God who told a rich man to sell all his possessions and give to the poor.
we serve a God who said to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.
we serve a God who touched lepers.
we serve a God who equates true religion with caring for orphans and widows.
we serve a God who forgives us and loves us no matter what.
we serve a radical God. and he has created us to be like him. to be radical.

i guess it's easy for me to be writing about how we're supposed to be radical when the big, life-changing decision to adopt two "older" kids has passed me by. but i think living radically isn't just about big, life-changing decisions. i think it's about daily living. living radically is about the everyday choices we make regarding how we spend our time or money, how we speak to our spouse or our children. today, i was late getting back to work after lunch and i couldn't find a parking space. i literally said the f word about 10 times. and i had this post rolling around in my head, and i had to stop and repent and say that becoming impatient and reckless with my words is not living radically. it's easy living, it's living into the flesh, it's looking no different than the rest of the world.

in the end, when everything is said and done, it is infinitely more important that we lived our lives in complete abandonment to the gospel -- even when it's really hard, when it doesn't make sense, when it feels as though everybody in your life might reject you -- instead of to this world. it takes courage and faith to do that. but i believe that God is not only pleased, but glorified when we realize that he created us for incredible things far greater than our puny minds and sinful hearts could ever imagine.

ps - we are continuing to pray for those sweet boys who need parents, and i ask that you would too.

we are the truth

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the culture in which we live, particularly as it relates to children. last week, i took my first guardian ad litem case, and i couldn't help but wonder how a culture that has become increasingly anti-family and anti-children has contributed to the abuse and neglect of children. now, don't worry -- i'm not getting on some kind of james dobson soap box. but i think our culture has become so focused on the individual that we have forgotten how to value other human beings. personally, i think God designed marriage and child-rearing as ways to keep us from becoming too focused on ourselves.

the truth is, our culture sees children mostly as a burden and an inconvenience. and it shows in how we treat them: we abort them, abuse them, and scorn those who choose to have a lot of them. we have forgotten that God's heart is very much for children.

last week, a tennessee woman made international headlines when she put her son, adopted from russia, back on an airplane to his birth country. she claimed the orphanage had lied to her about his psychological state. the joint council on international children's services asked all adoptive families to blog about their adoptions today as a way of standing up for children across the world and proclaiming that adoption is more than just the negative headlines one sees on tv.

but i want to stand up not only for adoption, but for all children in general. children are some of the most voiceless, vulnerable, and defenseless people on this planet. they need us to protect them. to advocate for them. to ensure their well-being. to affirm their worth and their goodness. to love them. to journey with them to healing. to commit to them. to show them their potential. if we fail at these things, we will be left (in about 18 years) with a bunch of unhealthy, unhappy adults.

i want to stand up for that 7-year-old boy from russia and every "older" child like him who gets stereotyped as being "troubled." oh, how badly do i want to yell and scream at the top of my lungs that these "troubled" kids are "troubled" by NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN and deserve to have parents just as much as any kid who was lucky enough to grow up in an environment that promoted healthy brain development. they need families who are willing to love them even if they cannot yet love back.

i want to stand up for every child who has been sexually abused. they deserve safe homes where they're not in danger anymore. they have a right to privacy and dignity. they need people who are willing to advocate for them against their abusers.

i want to stand up for every child who has experienced racism, ableism, and any other -ism that has caused them to question their infinite worth as a human being. i want to tell them that it's not fair how the world judges so harshly. i hope they know that no matter what color their skin is, no matter if they are blind or sighted...NO MATTER WHAT...they are beautiful.

and i want to stand up for every child -- all 153 million -- who needs a family. they deserve the love and stability and permanence and healing that a family can bring. they need someone to believe they are worth the inconvenience. that they are a joyful burden. that they are more important than any cultural value or man's opinion.

what is at stake right now is not just the integrity of adoption but the well-being of children around the world. what are you going to do about it?

but jesus said, 'let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.' - matthew 19:14