the infamous clocks

i'm not sure that i've mentioned these clocks on here before. they're on our agency's website, and they help waiting families see what month cwa is in for making referrals. for example, the next referral for a girl will go to a family whose dossier was in ethiopia in september 2009.





we are a february family, and we are watching all the clocks closely since we are open to siblings or unrelated children. the scenarios regarding a referral for us are wide open, particularly since referrals for girls have started picking up (when we signed on with cwa, you were guaranteed a boy unless you specifically requested a girl. now there are families who specified no gender who have been referred girls). the sibling clock is a little more complex than it appears because it includes families who want 2 boys, 2 girls, or 1 of each. therefore, that clock won't move until all october families wanting siblings have referrals. but it's possible that if a referral for brothers came in and there were no october families open to 2 boys, a november family could get that referral even though the clock is still in october. we have heard from our case manager that a referral for unrelated children can come to us in 1 of 2 ways: either we will wait until we reach the top of the infant list (meaning one of the boy or girl clocks would be at february) and be matched with the next infant and next toddler or we could be matched with a toddler and then receive a referral for the next infant even if we're not at the top of the infant list. it all sounds really confusing, i know.

we're a couple days shy of waiting 6 months. when we started out, the wait for a referral was 4-6 months. so yes, we expected a referral by now. but we really do know and believe that this journey is bringing us to the 2 specific children that God created for us at the beginning of time. and surprisingly, we could have a daughter. in my heart, i have a goal that we'd have a referral by thanksgiving so that we can at least buy our kids christmas presents and perhaps even meet them before the year ends. would you pray that God might graciously fulfill that?

a different kind of family planning

i want to invite you into my brain for a moment.

as a woman (and i say as a woman because i know my husband does not think in these terms at all), i like to plan for the future. and to be honest, it gets a little nutty sometimes. i have about a dozen thoughts a day about what our family should and will look like.

it's funny how deciding to have a transracial family right off the bat affects your whole thought process about building a family. we would like to have at least one biological child. but the questions abound: should our biological child be the only white face among our children? is it fair to that child, especially considering that his/her older siblings will both have brown skin? so maybe we'll have two biological children. at that point in my planning, we'd have 4 kids, which used to be my stopping point. but i would like to adopt again. and the questions abound there too: where from? should we adopt two again since the other kids came into our family by twos?

it's a different kind of family planning. and like i said, it can get nutty.

i find that people think the decision to adopt is something that must be approached with much prayer and fasting. and yet the decision to get pregnant is not seen this way at all. i don't think i've ever heard anyone say, "we're really praying about whether we should get pregnant." people just decide it's time to start a family, and they do it...literally.

i think we all have these plans for our families, but we rarely ever consult God for his opinions. i mean, here i am planning for our next two or three or four children, and i have no idea where God will call us or how he will choose for our family to be built. the reality is, we might get these first two home and realize they're all God has for us. we may not be able to have biological children. things might not go according to my plan (we might also end up with 10 kids, which was never, ever in a million years part of my plan).

certainly i think planning can be a good thing for families. we knew God had called us to adoption before we even met each other, and when we got married, we made it a priority. i love hearing about people who want and plan for big families because that decision stands so much in opposition to our culture that views children as burdens. i just think God wants to plan and dream along with us. i think he wants us to sincerely ask him what he has for us rather than assuming we know.

but let me tell you, in all my planning, i have one dream that i hope God will bring to fruition. go watch this.

fair trade?

i've been sitting here for awhile trying to write an awesome post about buying fair trade and why i think it's important. and then i realized that really the only thing i need to say is that we're supposed to care about people -- all people -- if we claim to be christians. we're not supposed to follow our society's "life is all about me" mantra. we're not supposed to act like a starving person on the other side of the planet isn't our problem. we're not supposed to claim "i didn't know" when the media tells us every day that things are bad in other places around the world. we're not supposed to act like what we do, say, think, and feel doesn't affect others. we're not supposed to believe we aren't responsible, culpable, at fault for what's going on in our world.

a lot of people probably think fair trade is just another cause being paraded around by "liberals" as some kind of alternative social gospel. let me tell you it's not. fair trade ensures that the economies from which fair trade products originate benefit from the sell of the products. fair trade ensures that the people making the products earn a fair wage. fair trade ensures that the people making the products took their jobs willingly and weren't coerced into their labor. fair trade provides upward mobility to those who need it most. and fair trade allows local economies to free themselves from dependency on others and become self-sustaining.

if you think about it, it's pretty disgusting how our society goes to great lengths to convince us of how badly animals are treated before they are killed for us to eat and how we should spend more money to buy organic food because it's better for us. and yet, there is little public dialogue about where our stuff comes from and who gets hurt so we can wear it or use it and how we should spend more money to buy fair trade items so that our consumerism actually helps people rather than harms them.

i don't know if we talk more about the other stuff because it makes us feel less guilty about the suffering of others or because we really are totally unaware of how much other humans really suffer or if the problem of human suffering just seems too large and overwhelming. i don't know. but the truth is, we can make little choices to help. check out these great fair trade options (i received all of these as birthday presents):

these dresses were made by an organization working with tailors in uganda called one mango tree. some of the tailors that work for them are hiv positive, others are disabled. all of them are women, many of whom are raising children. while one mango tree is selling other clothing items and lots of fun items like bags, aprons, and headbands on their website, these dresses can be found here. i got the chocolate one and tied the sash right below my bust line rather than at the waist.


this cookbook is not technically a fair trade product, but i wanted to share it because each one sold benefits an organization in zambia called wiphan. wiphan supports widows and orphans through educational initiatives and meal programs. this cookbook is just like church cookbooks you may be familiar with where everyone contributes recipes. there is a wide variety of recipes, which should prove valuable for a domestically challenged cook like me. you can read more about wiphan and order a cookbook here.

i've had a lot of people tell me that they're not trendy enough to wear sseko sandals. i thought the same thing until i took the risk and got a pair. now i love them and don't care if i'm not trendy enough. these sandals are made by women in uganda. once you buy the base of the sandal, you can buy different straps to go on them. and the straps can tie in different ways, so if you don't like the up-the-ankle look, you can try another style.

this carry-all purse was made by an organization in uganda called tukula. they have teamed up with women who already work in tailoring to give them another opportunity to earn money to put towards schooling or other business ventures that will give them upward mobility. in addition to assisting their tailors, the owners of tukula want to bring clean drinking water to their community. unfortunately, the green carry-all is now sold out, but there's a purple one and a couple other products (they even have a blue messenger bag coming in their fall line!) you can check out here.

there's a lot more to be said about the problem of human trafficking and the modern day slave trade. there's also a lot more to be said about why these organizations employ women and how being a woman without a father or husband in many of these societies means oppression and how having a job and an education is literally lifesaving. i could also put out a disclaimer and say that fair trade is not a good reason to over-consume.

but i'm just going to beg you to consider buying your next dress or purse or pair of shoes fair trade and leave it at that.

a mighty fine birthday

on my birthday weekend, i:

turned 26 (and realized that i'm now closer to 30 than 20, though jamie informed me this was the case 6 months ago when i turned 25 and 1/2).

was surprised by these crazy nuts from columbia, sc.




and these crazy nuts who live here.




was serenaded by said crazy nuts plus jamie and 2 (3 if you count baby sophie) of my favorite kids.





ate this delicious lemon cupcake.




joined this dance party.

see, there i am with mary cameron doing our signature moves.

harvested a zucchini the size of a small baby.

pretended the zucchini was a small baby and took pictures like this.

received the most awesome card in the universe courtesy of brian and sarah! (i'm deathly afraid of cats).

went to every baby-related store in town with leigh so we could lust over all the baby stuff we can't buy yet.

bought my kids a baby doll (please, no comments on how boys don't play with dolls because mine will in my attempt to teach them how to be tender and nurturing when they aren't shooting people with their pretend guns) and a cool safari tshirt.

ate cheese fries and a burger at my most favorite restaurant in winston-salem, first street!

watched mary cameron and jackson ride horses and become seasoned equestrians before my very eyes.

and was very thankful for this guy, the arranger of all surprises.

check back this week to hear about my fair trade birthday presents and how you can become a more responsible consumer!

just what i needed

i got this sweet card in the mail from my friend, staci, this week.



it was providential because i was having an "angry at the world" kind of day on monday when it came. it was also providential because staci said she's had this card for awhile and has never known who to give it to. until now. it's amazing how a little paper card decorated with fabric cut into the shape of africa and filled with sweet words from a friend can soften an angry heart, especially when there's an african proverb on the back that says:

hope is the pillar of the world.

such encouraging words to a mama-to-be who is desperately wanting to see her children's faces, while simultaneously grieving for all the children who need and deserve to have a family too. i never want to tire of saying that there are 150 million children in that very circumstance -- needing and deserving a family.

for both of these things, i have hope. i am hopeful that our referral is not a long way off and that i will see my children's faces soon. and i am also hopeful that more and more people will decide to act on behalf of those 150 million children -- through child sponsorship and other giving opportunities, foster care, or adoption.

isn't having hope so much better than being angry at the world?

the [idealistic] kingdom of God

about a year ago, our church began a partnership with world relief, a non-profit organization that resettles refugees in the united states. our friend abby (who, by the way, is expecting word TOMORROW about whether her son passed court in ethiopia) told world relief that if they ever resettled an ethiopian family, we wanted to know about it.

that's how i found myself in the airport last night at midnight, handing a loaf of zucchini bread to an ethiopian man and his family. they were kind and beautiful, and i just wanted to squeeze them all (especially the kids, ages 1, 3, and 7). there is something very profound about watching a family pick up all their earthly belongings from baggage claim and embark on a new life. but as much joy as i felt for them, i couldn't help but let the darkness seep in.

america is not the promised land, i thought. i hope they know.

i try not to be overly political on here, but if you've read any of my circa-2009 blog posts (the ones where i was less nice than i am now), i inevitably find something i need to address. i like to be respectful of opinions and various political views, and i really loathe when people claim to be open-minded because they hate close-minded people (irony). but i want to go ahead and put it out there that i've been hating the state of arizona for awhile now.

you see, i'm an idealist. when i look at the world, i see all the ways it could be different and better, and i could really care less about all the variables that prevent it from being as such. unfortunately, i know my own human nature and that of others, and i know that an ideal world is next to impossible because we all mess up and are generally self-centered. in other words, the real obstacle to an ideal world is me.

but i believe the kingdom of God is the ideal world i'm hoping for. in the kingdom, people are loved and cared for. people are forgiving and generous. people aren't judged based on their skin color or how much money they make or where they come from. people focus on others more than themselves. and i think the gospel imperative is that once we have met jesus, he calls us to make this ideal world a reality. and i think he wants us to start right now, even knowing that it won't be complete until he comes again. which brings me back to the current state affairs in this country.

i'm heartbroken and infuriated by what's going on in arizona. i'm bewildered that while 90% or more people in this country claim to be christians, more than 50% of this country is backing arizona in its so-called "immigration reform." what i hear is that illegal immigrants are taking my job, eating my food, overcrowding my schools, and mooching off my government with my hard-earned taxpayer dollars. why does being an american mean we have a birthright to jobs and food and healthcare and education? it seems no one has considered that if we were the poor family in mexico, struggling to provide for our children, with no choice in the matter of where we were born, we would probably also cross the border to a new life. we would believe america was the promised land until we got here and realized that nobody wanted us here because our skin was darker and we spoke a different language and we were taking everything that apparently belonged to them even though they also had no choice in the matter of where they were born.

when i think of the kingdom of God i don't see borders. i see unending welcome and hospitality. i don't hear people claiming things as "mine" but rather telling friends and strangers, "i will share with you" (even if it means paying more in taxes). it sounds so idealistic and far too simple-minded, especially considering that we do have to answer real, practical questions like how to build more schools or how to find the money to feed everyone when we have a deficit or how to make citizenship more accessible.

but i imagine that in the end, when the world has been made right, heaven will feel like that ethiopian woman's hand in mine as we shook hands for the first time. it will sound like the man's voice as he said, "thank you" when i handed him the zucchini bread. it will look like the smile on the little boy's face when abby handed him a balloon. there will be no obstacles. we will have gotten over ourselves. we will see that even the most idealistc things can be real.

affirmation and adoption

i think there's a difference in being supported and being understood.

i've been pondering that as i've tried to figure out how to write a post about affirming adoptive families. i've been trying to decide if i'm supposed to be telling people how to support or how to understand. you see, we have a lot of people in our lives who seem to support our adoption. when we see them, they ask, "so, how are things going with the adoption?" and i really believe they care. but i don't think many of them actually understand our adoption and the decisions we are making for our family. while i can't force people to understand, i do think the purpose of this post (and of this blog) is to help people come to a better understanding of adoption and why we have chosen it for our family. and honestly, i think the better understanding a person has of adoption, the better support they can provide. here are some suggestions that i could come up with, but i hope others will comment with their own thoughts (and thanks to my friend, staci, who suggested i write this post. that was affirming in and of itself!):

get to know our heart. it's really funny to watch the perplexed (and almost spooked) look that goes across someone's face when they hear me talk about possibly being pregnant one day. i've talked on here before about all the assumptions people make about adoption and the reasons why people do it, and i can guarantee you that the greatest affirmation an adoptive family can receive is the opportunity to tell their story. it's really just as easy as asking, "why did you decide to adopt?" i promise that you will be glad you asked because there are powerful stories to be told about overcoming the pain of infertility to answering God's calling to care for orphans. (and, as a side note, get to know our hearts because there is a genuine desire to understand adoption not because there is a need to "make sure" we've really been called to adopt or that we've prayed enough about it).

be excited. about a month ago, jamie and i were hanging out with our home fellowship group from church. one of the women in our group, who is a nurse, decided it'd be fun to use her stethescope to see if she could hear the heartbeat of the baby of another woman in our group who, at the time, was about 7.5 months pregnant. for the next while, they laughed and cried and were overcome with giddiness about the little baby whose heartbeat they could hear. and i felt so incredibly alone because my babies, in that moment, were totally forgotten. there was no joy for their lives or for their arrival, just the obligatory, "so, how are things going with the adoption?" i'm not saying repress your excitement for another family, i'm just asking that you find ways to incorporate adoptive families into that same circle of excitement and giddiness. i guess i see that situation could have played out differently if someone had said, "wow, lauren and jamie, i bet one or both of your kids are alive. i wonder what they're doing. i wonder what they look like. that's so cool to think about." if someone has just announced to you that they're adopting, save your logistical questions for later. if you have concerns about a family's adoption, consider that your concerns might be rooted in your perspective as a person in a place and time where adoption still isn't considered as normal as pregnancy. in other words, consider what effect your words and actions will have on the family's morale. adoption is a difficult process, and families need to feel like people are rooting for them rather than finding ways to knock them down.

act like we're expecting. someone told us recently that we are "kind of expecting." of course, the criterion to be "all the way expecting" is that you are pregnant with a due date and a belly. i think the excitement aspect of affirming an adoptive family is important because it says you actually believe there is something to be excited about. adoptive families need this because we are very much expectant parents and experience all the same emotions that parents-to-be through pregnancy experience. ask the family about names. ask them about how they want to decorate their child's bedroom. ask about the process, and don't be afraid to acknowledge how difficult it must be to wait. send them a small gift like a bib or a toy (i'm not soliciting gifts, just fyi). research the child's country of origin and ask the family about it. send them a card or email saying you're praying for their child, knowing that the child might already be alive and in need of food, healthcare, and other basic needs.

don't be afraid of heavy things. the hardest thing we faced when we first delved into our adoption was being confronted more harshly than ever before with the realities of poverty, sickness, suffering, and loss. it shook up our world and continues to shake us. we have needed people around us to not avoid these realities. we have needed people not to silence our voices as we have tried to talk and process everything. adoption is built on these heavy things. birth mothers and fathers do not give up their children because the world is good. much pain and loss accompany adoption -- for the child, for the birth family, and sometimes for the adoptive family. it may seem like an adoptive parent is vomiting out information every time you ask them about their adoption, but have some grace even when it seems excessive, and find ways to encourage them as they journey through the difficult issues that come with adoption.

know that it is different. what i'm not trying to do here is assimilate the experience of adoption into the experience of pregnancy. they are not the same. however, i do believe that adoptive families can be affirmed in many of the same ways pregnant families (not sure what to call them) are affirmed. the differences may actually be seen most after the adopted child is home. many adoptive parents (including us) will have boundaries that might seem strict to others but are in place to maximize the attachment between parents and child. these boundaries may include limiting how long others can hold the child, requiring that the child's basic needs (feeding, changing diapers, comforting when hurt) only be met by the parents for an extended length of time, and using alternative forms of discipline. it is important to realize that many adopted children have not had the luxury of growing up in an environment that would promote healthy brain development, and it may take awhile for a child to attach to his/her parents. if you want to help an adoptive family transition to having their child home, volunteer to do things like cook dinner or run errands. any time you can give back to the family to bond with their child is invaluable.

beach!

at the beach, we...

played in the ocean.




had some laughs.

celebrated the 4th with sparklers, pop rocks, and patriotic songs sung opera-style on the back porch (with a bonus drum beat and african song and dance).

pondered some serious stuff.

went kayaking.

swam in the canal.

did some fishing (at normal times and at 5am).



drank a lot of coffee. and other bevs.

stuffed our faces with good food (and painted our fingernails a shade of sexy orange).





flew kites.




and left with big smiles.




we love yall, littletons and leimones (even though i managed not to get a single picture of sarah on my camera). let's do this again!