known

i'm really digging this song as of late. if you haven't heard audrey assad, find her on itunes. right now, this song affirms for me that God knows my heart about our adoption. he knows all my sadness, all my worry, all my anticipation, all my frustration, all my joy. he knows all those thoughts that are jumbling around inside of me...some of which never make it to human ears. he also knows our children in exactly the same way. he knows all of their sadness, all of their worries, all of their frustrations, and all of their joys. he knows all of our burdens and bears them alongside of us.

today we found out that our agency is waiting for paperwork for 4 toddlers that is "forthcoming." this is the same paperwork our case manager told about 6 weeks ago. once that paperwork comes in, we will be matched with a toddler and then the next infant. however, we also found out today that 2 families who got their paperwork in before us (and who had been waiting on siblings) decided they were tired of waiting for siblings and decided to open themselves up to unrelated children, which means we are no longer technically "next" to receive a referral. this was a bit devastating, but we are trying to push forward and believe God is orchestrating all things to bring us to the two specific children he has chosen for us. please pray we would hear soon.

planting trees

sit down and write that letter. sign up and join the fight. sink into all that matters. step out into the light. let go of all that's passing. lift up the least of these. lean into something lasting. planting trees.

what trees are you planting?

will you help?

i have no clue how many people read this blog. but tonight i'm posting this plea hoping that at least a handful of people will read it and choose to make a difference in the life of a child.

our friends, daniel and abby umlauf, are in the middle of a second adoption from ethiopia. last december, they received a referral for a little boy they had planned to name moses. unfortunately, the region in which moses was from closed to adoptions around the time they accepted his referral. for five months, they waited for moses' adoption to proceed. when it did not, they eventually -- with much heartache -- accepted another referral for a little boy they named asher. but they still felt that moses was their son and wanted to adopt him if his region re-opened. last week, they found out moses is officially available for adoption. his paperwork is completed. all he needs is his family to complete the necessary steps to finalize the adoption. what's standing in between the umlaufs and moses is $14,000.

i know that seems like a big amount of money. i know to them it seems impossible. but if we can all give a little, it can turn into a lot.

there are a lot of people out there who think fundraising for an adoption is wrong. there are a lot of people who think you shouldn't adopt unless you have all the money. but the reality is, there are millions of children who literally can't wait for people to get their lives settled and their finances in order. they need families right now. so when i see a family like the umlaufs -- a family so in love with this little boy they know is their son, a family willing and ready to bring a child into their family -- i believe it's my responsibility to do whatever i can to help them because moses needs his family.

if you have children, please consider that you would do everything in your power to get to them if they were not with you. you would ask your family and friends for help. and you probably would even appreciate it if a stranger came to your aid. i'm asking you to put yourself in the umlaufs' shoes and ask what you would want someone to do for you. and then i want you to do that thing.

here is the website you can go to give. when you get there, click donate now and click general fund under specify donation. move on to the optional section and select CWA family. make sure to write "daniel and abby umlauf" so the donation is applied to the umlaufs' account. seriously, even $5 makes a difference. and if you'd like to help the umlaufs in another way, let me know and i will put you in touch with them.

11 months

for history's sake, i wanted to write a little about being 11 months into waiting for a referral.

i realized the other day that our adoption has now spanned 3 different years -- 2009, 2010, 2011. two years ago this month, i was sitting in a religions of africa class taught by a sweet little man named dr. mugabe from zimbabwe (no relation to the awful dictator). and, at the time, i was completely closed to the idea of adoption from africa.

"what will people think of white people raising black kids?" i often said to jamie.

now, 2 years later, i'm on the edge of my seat. for almost a year, we have been sitting on a waiting list for 2 kids from africa. i never could've guessed in a million years we'd be here. but honestly, we'd really like not to be here anymore. we really, really, really want our referral. we thought maybe this was our week.

my parents told me on sunday, "don't be disappointed if it's not tomorrow." and i assured them that what i would feel if we didn't get our referral was the same feeling i've felt every day for the last 11 months -- a sadness, an aching, a numbness in my heart that just longs to know my kids. that feeling is always there. but perhaps what has worsened in the last bit is a feeling of hopelessness, a feeling of not knowing how much longer we'll have to wait, a feeling of wondering if our referral will ever come. the darkness of uncertainty looms heavy. jamie told me tonight he's been having trouble focusing at work because he's so distracted by the waiting. i feel that too.

and, to be honest, it's very tempting to look at God and quote him everything the bible says about his care for the fatherless and those who are vulnerable and those who are in need...only to then ask him why he hasn't hurried up. sometimes it just doesn't feel like God cares all that much.

but i'll risk sounding cliche and say that things are coming together in ways we can't imagine, for reasons we can't understand. and when i think God has not heard our crying, has not heard our frustration, has not heard the prayers of so many on our behalf...i am reminded that scripture tells us he is listening:

"then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, 'i cannot watch the boy die.' and as she sat there, she began to sob. God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to hagar from heaven and said to hear, 'what is the matter, hagar? do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there...'" (genesis 21:16-17)

"during that long period, the king of egypt died. the israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out, and their cry for help because of their slavery went up to God. God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with abraham, with isaac and with jacob. so God looked on the israelites and was concerned about them." (exodus 2:23-25)

"my soul is in deep anguish. how long, Lord, how long?...i am worn out from my groaning. all night long i flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears...the Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer." (psalm 6:3,6,9)