affirmation and adoption

i think there's a difference in being supported and being understood.

i've been pondering that as i've tried to figure out how to write a post about affirming adoptive families. i've been trying to decide if i'm supposed to be telling people how to support or how to understand. you see, we have a lot of people in our lives who seem to support our adoption. when we see them, they ask, "so, how are things going with the adoption?" and i really believe they care. but i don't think many of them actually understand our adoption and the decisions we are making for our family. while i can't force people to understand, i do think the purpose of this post (and of this blog) is to help people come to a better understanding of adoption and why we have chosen it for our family. and honestly, i think the better understanding a person has of adoption, the better support they can provide. here are some suggestions that i could come up with, but i hope others will comment with their own thoughts (and thanks to my friend, staci, who suggested i write this post. that was affirming in and of itself!):

get to know our heart. it's really funny to watch the perplexed (and almost spooked) look that goes across someone's face when they hear me talk about possibly being pregnant one day. i've talked on here before about all the assumptions people make about adoption and the reasons why people do it, and i can guarantee you that the greatest affirmation an adoptive family can receive is the opportunity to tell their story. it's really just as easy as asking, "why did you decide to adopt?" i promise that you will be glad you asked because there are powerful stories to be told about overcoming the pain of infertility to answering God's calling to care for orphans. (and, as a side note, get to know our hearts because there is a genuine desire to understand adoption not because there is a need to "make sure" we've really been called to adopt or that we've prayed enough about it).

be excited. about a month ago, jamie and i were hanging out with our home fellowship group from church. one of the women in our group, who is a nurse, decided it'd be fun to use her stethescope to see if she could hear the heartbeat of the baby of another woman in our group who, at the time, was about 7.5 months pregnant. for the next while, they laughed and cried and were overcome with giddiness about the little baby whose heartbeat they could hear. and i felt so incredibly alone because my babies, in that moment, were totally forgotten. there was no joy for their lives or for their arrival, just the obligatory, "so, how are things going with the adoption?" i'm not saying repress your excitement for another family, i'm just asking that you find ways to incorporate adoptive families into that same circle of excitement and giddiness. i guess i see that situation could have played out differently if someone had said, "wow, lauren and jamie, i bet one or both of your kids are alive. i wonder what they're doing. i wonder what they look like. that's so cool to think about." if someone has just announced to you that they're adopting, save your logistical questions for later. if you have concerns about a family's adoption, consider that your concerns might be rooted in your perspective as a person in a place and time where adoption still isn't considered as normal as pregnancy. in other words, consider what effect your words and actions will have on the family's morale. adoption is a difficult process, and families need to feel like people are rooting for them rather than finding ways to knock them down.

act like we're expecting. someone told us recently that we are "kind of expecting." of course, the criterion to be "all the way expecting" is that you are pregnant with a due date and a belly. i think the excitement aspect of affirming an adoptive family is important because it says you actually believe there is something to be excited about. adoptive families need this because we are very much expectant parents and experience all the same emotions that parents-to-be through pregnancy experience. ask the family about names. ask them about how they want to decorate their child's bedroom. ask about the process, and don't be afraid to acknowledge how difficult it must be to wait. send them a small gift like a bib or a toy (i'm not soliciting gifts, just fyi). research the child's country of origin and ask the family about it. send them a card or email saying you're praying for their child, knowing that the child might already be alive and in need of food, healthcare, and other basic needs.

don't be afraid of heavy things. the hardest thing we faced when we first delved into our adoption was being confronted more harshly than ever before with the realities of poverty, sickness, suffering, and loss. it shook up our world and continues to shake us. we have needed people around us to not avoid these realities. we have needed people not to silence our voices as we have tried to talk and process everything. adoption is built on these heavy things. birth mothers and fathers do not give up their children because the world is good. much pain and loss accompany adoption -- for the child, for the birth family, and sometimes for the adoptive family. it may seem like an adoptive parent is vomiting out information every time you ask them about their adoption, but have some grace even when it seems excessive, and find ways to encourage them as they journey through the difficult issues that come with adoption.

know that it is different. what i'm not trying to do here is assimilate the experience of adoption into the experience of pregnancy. they are not the same. however, i do believe that adoptive families can be affirmed in many of the same ways pregnant families (not sure what to call them) are affirmed. the differences may actually be seen most after the adopted child is home. many adoptive parents (including us) will have boundaries that might seem strict to others but are in place to maximize the attachment between parents and child. these boundaries may include limiting how long others can hold the child, requiring that the child's basic needs (feeding, changing diapers, comforting when hurt) only be met by the parents for an extended length of time, and using alternative forms of discipline. it is important to realize that many adopted children have not had the luxury of growing up in an environment that would promote healthy brain development, and it may take awhile for a child to attach to his/her parents. if you want to help an adoptive family transition to having their child home, volunteer to do things like cook dinner or run errands. any time you can give back to the family to bond with their child is invaluable.

beach!

at the beach, we...

played in the ocean.




had some laughs.

celebrated the 4th with sparklers, pop rocks, and patriotic songs sung opera-style on the back porch (with a bonus drum beat and african song and dance).

pondered some serious stuff.

went kayaking.

swam in the canal.

did some fishing (at normal times and at 5am).



drank a lot of coffee. and other bevs.

stuffed our faces with good food (and painted our fingernails a shade of sexy orange).





flew kites.




and left with big smiles.




we love yall, littletons and leimones (even though i managed not to get a single picture of sarah on my camera). let's do this again!

5 months!

we've been waiting 5 months! i'm in the process of composing a post about ways to affirm adoptive parents. i wrote one, but jamie informed me that it wasn't very clear and not exactly to the point. so i'm re-working it. we're heading out of town tomorrow to hang out at the beach all weekend with our sweet friends, the littletons and leimones (missing yall, ladds!) pictures (and a new post) to follow.

waiting

waiting on an adoption is weird.

some days i forget that we've been waiting 4.5 months. it feels like it's only been a few days since we got on the waitlist. other days i feel like we've been waiting years, and it seems impossible that we probably have another 4.5 months of waiting in front of us.

i think of our children often. i wonder what they look like. how old they are. if they are still with their birth mother or already in an orphanage. if they have enough to eat. if they have enough love and cuddles and kisses. it is very strange to dwell on someone that you know nothing about, and yet that is really the beauty about all of this: i love my children, and i know nothing about them. my heart just feels bound to them in a way i can't really explain. i know, it's weird.

when i get to work in the mornings, i always take my phone out of my purse just in case. i tell myself that today is certainly not the day we'll get our referral because there are still several families in front of us. but just in case...

sometimes i daydream about what it will be like when we finally get that coveted call from our case manager. i wonder how i'll tell jamie that we need to go home and get on the computer to see our babies. i think about how i'll call my friend, erin, and tell her the babies are here and we need her to take pictures of us seeing them for the first time. and i think about how i'll probably have my friend, leigh, on speakerphone freaking out with us.

i think about what it will be like to send an email to our friends and family introducing them to our babies. sharing their names (if we ever think of a second boy name). being able to say these are our children.

it often seems very unreal that at the end of however much waiting we will endure, there will actually be two little ones who will call us mommy and daddy. i think this is the one thing i envy about pregnant women. i'm sure it's still unreal to think that a baby will leave your womb and suddenly be yours to care for. but at least for those 9 months, your baby is inside of you, and you are affirmed everyday that this is real. and people around you affirm you too by commenting on how cute your baby bump is or asking about your due date or guessing whether the baby will have your eyes.

i guess what i realize is that many people still don't know how to talk about adoption as if it were equal to being pregnant. no, i don't want people to say they are the same because they aren't. but they are both equally valuable ways of becoming a parent. people can ask a pregnant woman a million questions about what it feels like to have a baby inside or what she thinks of public breastfeeding or if she'll deliver her baby naturally. but seriously, the minute an adoptive mom starts talking about attachment or racism or how there are 147 million orphans in the world...people really have no clue how to handle that.

if you're an adoptive parent, there are many people like me who understand the funk of the wait. i know that so much of the affirmation you have of your children is the feeling you have deep in your soul. and i know that people really don't get that or don't know how to engage that because we live in a society where pregnancy is normal, and adoption is...well, not as normal. i don't say any of this to disparage pregnancy because hey, i plan to at least try to be pregnant one day. i just pray that some day people can truly walk alongside one another in journeying to their children, appreciating the beauty and joy and validity of both pregnancy and adoption. and if you're not an adoptive parent, find an adoptive family to affirm today!

4 months

these are our nieces and nephews -- tyler, delaney, peighton, parker, and trevor.

they're cutie pies, right?

as much as i love these munchkins, i can't wait to have 2 of my own to add to the bunch.

and we've been waiting now 4 months.

someone told me recently they heard we're adopting because we're concerned about passing on jamie's disability. i was a little jolted because we've been trying hard to explain that adoption is a choice we have made because we want to adopt. it has nothing to do with any other external factor, including jamie's disability. i don't think people realize how offensive it is to jamie and to our children to suggest that we're only adopting because we're scared our biological kids might have RP (retinitis pigmentosa).

it's offensive to jamie because it suggests it'd be understandable (perhaps even beneficial) if people like him -- people who can't see -- didn't produce anymore people who can't see. it suggests that being a person with a disability is a curse or an affliction or an unnecessary suffering that one wouldn't want to pass on to someone else. and it also suggests that the significance of a person is found solely in their ability to see, or walk, or hear, or think.

but it's offensive to our adopted children because it suggests they are some kind of second choice or last resort -- an option we had to choose because we didn't want to take the risk of having a biological child. seriously, you will never know how much our society emphasizes biology and genetics until you (1) choose to adopt before even trying to have biological children and (2) choose to adopt when one parent has a disability. many people won't get why you don't want to pass on your genes if you adopt first; many others will simply assume you don't want to pass on your "bad" genes if you choose to adopt when one parent has a disability. it's really pretty ridiculous because nobody actually thinks that people simply want to adopt.

and quite honestly, i want to adopt a blind kid one day. so there.

and also, for those who are wondering how the whole "blind dad" thing is going to work, i'd like to write a blog post sometime about how having one parent with a disability isn't really that different. there are some unique aspects, but life looks pretty much the same, which is really what people should understand about living with a disability. but for now, i leave you with proof that jamie is going to be the most awesome dad in the world.

isn't it ironic...

that our friends the ladds, who are adopting 2 kids from ethiopia, started their adoption journey hoping for girls. now they are completely OK with getting 2 boys. we started our adoption journey hoping for 2 boys. now we (or i should say i) really want a boy and a girl? seriously, what is wrong with me??

'round here

a few sentences on what's been going on around the dean house lately.

we've been on the waitlist 3 months. the waiting isn't driving us crazy yet. we are currently trying to get our case manager to tell us how many families ahead of us on the waitlist are open to 2 boys, 0-42 months.

jamie skillfully built a garden box out of cedar wood completely from scratch. he even wielded a power saw by himself (um, this is a big deal when your husband can't see). then he dug a trench in the backyard to put the box in when he realized the ground wasn't level. we are attempting to grow cucumbers, green peppers, and zucchini (we're also growing tomatoes, but they are hanging upside down in buckets off our playset).

we've been learning to play the djembe. our next door neighbor is a senior in high school and has been playing djembe since he was 9. the djembe is a drum from west africa that looks like this:



i guess a lot of people think of drums as simply accompanying other instruments. but the djembe has 3 unique sounds that make it more versatile, so you don't just play djembe for the beat. what's cool is that our neighbor knows all the history behind the rhythms he is teaching us. we've been working on a rhythm that is played when the women of the villages come back from fishing. i'm not really good at playing yet, but we've only had 3 lessons, and i'm trying to learn that it's OK to make mistakes.

i have felt really purposed lately in the volunteer work i'm doing as a guardian ad litem. the case i've been working on goes to court on friday, and i'm hoping good decisions are made that benefit this little girl's best interest. seriously, children need advocates. i can't say that enough.

and lastly, we are thankful for all the friends and family in our lives. we are thankful for our church community and how there are now 4 families just in our 5pm service that are somewhere in the process to adopt from ethiopia (one family already has their son home). we are thankful for our neighbors and how they are generous with their time and friendship. we are thankful for the littleton family and how much we learn from them. we are thankful for the ladd family and how they're walking with us step by step to our kids as they walk to theirs. we are thankful for old friends scattered in many places and how they still care about our lives. and we are thankful for our families and how well they love us all the time. life is good.