11 months

for history's sake, i wanted to write a little about being 11 months into waiting for a referral.

i realized the other day that our adoption has now spanned 3 different years -- 2009, 2010, 2011. two years ago this month, i was sitting in a religions of africa class taught by a sweet little man named dr. mugabe from zimbabwe (no relation to the awful dictator). and, at the time, i was completely closed to the idea of adoption from africa.

"what will people think of white people raising black kids?" i often said to jamie.

now, 2 years later, i'm on the edge of my seat. for almost a year, we have been sitting on a waiting list for 2 kids from africa. i never could've guessed in a million years we'd be here. but honestly, we'd really like not to be here anymore. we really, really, really want our referral. we thought maybe this was our week.

my parents told me on sunday, "don't be disappointed if it's not tomorrow." and i assured them that what i would feel if we didn't get our referral was the same feeling i've felt every day for the last 11 months -- a sadness, an aching, a numbness in my heart that just longs to know my kids. that feeling is always there. but perhaps what has worsened in the last bit is a feeling of hopelessness, a feeling of not knowing how much longer we'll have to wait, a feeling of wondering if our referral will ever come. the darkness of uncertainty looms heavy. jamie told me tonight he's been having trouble focusing at work because he's so distracted by the waiting. i feel that too.

and, to be honest, it's very tempting to look at God and quote him everything the bible says about his care for the fatherless and those who are vulnerable and those who are in need...only to then ask him why he hasn't hurried up. sometimes it just doesn't feel like God cares all that much.

but i'll risk sounding cliche and say that things are coming together in ways we can't imagine, for reasons we can't understand. and when i think God has not heard our crying, has not heard our frustration, has not heard the prayers of so many on our behalf...i am reminded that scripture tells us he is listening:

"then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, 'i cannot watch the boy die.' and as she sat there, she began to sob. God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to hagar from heaven and said to hear, 'what is the matter, hagar? do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there...'" (genesis 21:16-17)

"during that long period, the king of egypt died. the israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out, and their cry for help because of their slavery went up to God. God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with abraham, with isaac and with jacob. so God looked on the israelites and was concerned about them." (exodus 2:23-25)

"my soul is in deep anguish. how long, Lord, how long?...i am worn out from my groaning. all night long i flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears...the Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer." (psalm 6:3,6,9)