i'm becoming a mom for the first time. through adoption.
sometimes i just want to be real about what that feels like.
for more than 18 months, i have had two children growing in my heart. normally, i hate alluding to pregnancy when i'm talking about our adoption because i don't think adoption needs to be metaphorized. but this allusion works for me because i have experienced it. i remember the small beginnings of deciding to follow God's calling to adopt a child. i remember how God enlarged that calling to include another child. i remember how we toiled and prayed and worried about how we'd get the money. i remember how, in all of that, our love for our children increased.
i know how it feels like my love for them is literally going to bust out of my heart. i miss them every.single.day of my life. and adoptive parents can tell you that no matter how weird it sounds, this is possible. you can miss people you've never even met. and you can love them intensely.
so imagine what it's like to be told you're not a mom. no, nobody said this to me directly -- as in, nobody just walked up to me today and said, "hey lauren, did you know you're not a mom?" it was more like "when you're not a mom, it's hard to understand ______________." i'm sure the person speaking didn't think much about the statement, but i did. because i do think i'm a mom. at least as much of a mom as a pregnant woman is. there are two children out there who are mine. right now, they are in my heart and not my belly or my home. i've prepared for them. i've sacrificed for them. i love them. i long for them. no, i haven't experienced the sleepless nights or poopy diapers yet. but i am the mother of two children in ethiopia. really.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Love this post- I know exactly what you mean!
ReplyDelete...and those little ones will be in your arms soon, Lord willing!! :)
ReplyDeleteI just got off a webinar with CWA and it sounds like things are progressing really quickly. They're thinking the rest of October and November referrals will be coming very soon.
You ARE a Mommy. God has MADE you a Mommy, just as He does any pregnant woman. God builds our families. You may not experience the physical pains of labor and a baby pushing on your rib cage, but you are experiencing the emotional and spiritual pains of those babies pushing on your heart and mind every day. They're different, by design. But each is a beautiful way for God to build a family.
Can't wait to see who it is God has chosen for yours! :)
I remember, early in our adventure of raising these three girls, that my brother called one afternoon shortly after the girls woke from nap. Faith was fussing. Hearing her through the phone, my brother authoritatively announced that his middle child was hungry. "No, she's not," I said, knowing she'd just had juice. "She's mad because I wouldn't let her do something." He said that might be part of it, but he just knew she was hungry. "It's a parent thing," he said, clearly implying that my months of caring for his children amounted to nothing more than babysitting.
ReplyDeleteI was so hurt and insulted that he assumed I didn't know his children as well as (if not better than) he did after months of caring for them myself, in which time he'd had little contact with them, that I cried when I got off the phone. Dan made him apologize for how he'd sounded (he said that what I inferred wasn't what he meant, but I'm still not sure), but still...the damage was done. It was a blow to how I felt about these little girls.
I *know*, deep in my heart, that I am these girls' mom. They might be my nieces. That may be the only blood tie. They may only call me Auntie. But just because I didn't give birth to them does NOT mean I'm not their mom. Not when I sleep, eat and breathe them, every day.
You became a mom the SECOND those kids were laid on your heart. period.
ReplyDeletelove you!!!
From the beginning of time, God has chosen you to be a mom and to be a mom to these 2 specific children. I TOTALLY GET IT! I'm with you in it. I feel my heart bursting with the intensity of love you describe. It is possible - and realistic - to love these children you've never met so much. It's how God's designed it. It's right and good and true.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! It is hard to deal with peoples comments (especially when you know no harm was intended). But as mommies to be I think it can be a great teaching moment. Though I completely know that at a certain point, you just are sick of correcting people :). You ARE a mommy and keep on loving those kiddos (wherever they might be) like crazy! I pray for you every day! We are all in this together!
ReplyDelete