affirmation and adoption

i think there's a difference in being supported and being understood.

i've been pondering that as i've tried to figure out how to write a post about affirming adoptive families. i've been trying to decide if i'm supposed to be telling people how to support or how to understand. you see, we have a lot of people in our lives who seem to support our adoption. when we see them, they ask, "so, how are things going with the adoption?" and i really believe they care. but i don't think many of them actually understand our adoption and the decisions we are making for our family. while i can't force people to understand, i do think the purpose of this post (and of this blog) is to help people come to a better understanding of adoption and why we have chosen it for our family. and honestly, i think the better understanding a person has of adoption, the better support they can provide. here are some suggestions that i could come up with, but i hope others will comment with their own thoughts (and thanks to my friend, staci, who suggested i write this post. that was affirming in and of itself!):

get to know our heart. it's really funny to watch the perplexed (and almost spooked) look that goes across someone's face when they hear me talk about possibly being pregnant one day. i've talked on here before about all the assumptions people make about adoption and the reasons why people do it, and i can guarantee you that the greatest affirmation an adoptive family can receive is the opportunity to tell their story. it's really just as easy as asking, "why did you decide to adopt?" i promise that you will be glad you asked because there are powerful stories to be told about overcoming the pain of infertility to answering God's calling to care for orphans. (and, as a side note, get to know our hearts because there is a genuine desire to understand adoption not because there is a need to "make sure" we've really been called to adopt or that we've prayed enough about it).

be excited. about a month ago, jamie and i were hanging out with our home fellowship group from church. one of the women in our group, who is a nurse, decided it'd be fun to use her stethescope to see if she could hear the heartbeat of the baby of another woman in our group who, at the time, was about 7.5 months pregnant. for the next while, they laughed and cried and were overcome with giddiness about the little baby whose heartbeat they could hear. and i felt so incredibly alone because my babies, in that moment, were totally forgotten. there was no joy for their lives or for their arrival, just the obligatory, "so, how are things going with the adoption?" i'm not saying repress your excitement for another family, i'm just asking that you find ways to incorporate adoptive families into that same circle of excitement and giddiness. i guess i see that situation could have played out differently if someone had said, "wow, lauren and jamie, i bet one or both of your kids are alive. i wonder what they're doing. i wonder what they look like. that's so cool to think about." if someone has just announced to you that they're adopting, save your logistical questions for later. if you have concerns about a family's adoption, consider that your concerns might be rooted in your perspective as a person in a place and time where adoption still isn't considered as normal as pregnancy. in other words, consider what effect your words and actions will have on the family's morale. adoption is a difficult process, and families need to feel like people are rooting for them rather than finding ways to knock them down.

act like we're expecting. someone told us recently that we are "kind of expecting." of course, the criterion to be "all the way expecting" is that you are pregnant with a due date and a belly. i think the excitement aspect of affirming an adoptive family is important because it says you actually believe there is something to be excited about. adoptive families need this because we are very much expectant parents and experience all the same emotions that parents-to-be through pregnancy experience. ask the family about names. ask them about how they want to decorate their child's bedroom. ask about the process, and don't be afraid to acknowledge how difficult it must be to wait. send them a small gift like a bib or a toy (i'm not soliciting gifts, just fyi). research the child's country of origin and ask the family about it. send them a card or email saying you're praying for their child, knowing that the child might already be alive and in need of food, healthcare, and other basic needs.

don't be afraid of heavy things. the hardest thing we faced when we first delved into our adoption was being confronted more harshly than ever before with the realities of poverty, sickness, suffering, and loss. it shook up our world and continues to shake us. we have needed people around us to not avoid these realities. we have needed people not to silence our voices as we have tried to talk and process everything. adoption is built on these heavy things. birth mothers and fathers do not give up their children because the world is good. much pain and loss accompany adoption -- for the child, for the birth family, and sometimes for the adoptive family. it may seem like an adoptive parent is vomiting out information every time you ask them about their adoption, but have some grace even when it seems excessive, and find ways to encourage them as they journey through the difficult issues that come with adoption.

know that it is different. what i'm not trying to do here is assimilate the experience of adoption into the experience of pregnancy. they are not the same. however, i do believe that adoptive families can be affirmed in many of the same ways pregnant families (not sure what to call them) are affirmed. the differences may actually be seen most after the adopted child is home. many adoptive parents (including us) will have boundaries that might seem strict to others but are in place to maximize the attachment between parents and child. these boundaries may include limiting how long others can hold the child, requiring that the child's basic needs (feeding, changing diapers, comforting when hurt) only be met by the parents for an extended length of time, and using alternative forms of discipline. it is important to realize that many adopted children have not had the luxury of growing up in an environment that would promote healthy brain development, and it may take awhile for a child to attach to his/her parents. if you want to help an adoptive family transition to having their child home, volunteer to do things like cook dinner or run errands. any time you can give back to the family to bond with their child is invaluable.